To Love and Be Loved

On the first anniversary…………….

It’s human nature that tries to impress and in order to make this anniversary special I was really trying my level best...

A small part of a big day that could easily bring a smile would be gifts. Even though one part of my brain was thinking about what should I get him, the other part was wondering what he would get me.

I just want to keep wondering when it comes to him…

I would never say I know all about him. Everyone in this world is unique and he for one was always filled with surprises. I don’t want to spoil the fun by saying “I know what color he likes, I know what food he wants to order, I know what he thought about the girl who is sitting on the right side corner”. If I know everything about him then there would be nothing more to know and all I want to do is keep guessing till the end of my life.

May be we were not made for each other and yet we shared the perfect love. These 365 days was too short to express the love that we shared. For few days I was trying to understand a book that girls can never comprehend (Even after reading “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus”). I didn’t want to make mistakes when it comes to him but ever since the day I met him, I have been making mistakes in my life. The right mistakes that led me to him. For the first time I realized I need not understand someone to love them.

I always suffered from expressing at the right moment because I need time to gather my ideas and when I put forth them it would be of no use because I would have been already judged. I never thought I would meet someone who would bring back the moments again and again until I felt satisfied with my answers. You can see how confused I'm in expressing. I was too soft to hurt people and sometimes it lead to my own destruction. I was blamed for mistakes that I never did. He didn’t teach me to stand up for myself and fight this world. Instead he was ready to kick anyone's ass...any time... Accepting someone for who they are is the innermost secret wish every one of us have and I was granted it without hesitation. What else can I ask for??

Like in every other relationship, there were fights. Some big and some petty fights. With my friends I used to let go of the reason I fought for and I used to save my friendship. With him, I can stand assured that he isn't going anywhere even if I push him away. And he always gave up even before I shed a tear.

Sometimes women keep running in a race where they feel the need to show that they are best among the women he has met. I was not feeling insecure about our love so I had nothing to prove to him. He never flirts with other women and makes me uncomfortable. He had his own set of friends (guys and girls) and soon I was one among them. Then I understood only in an insecure love, women tend to get possessive and start to separate his friends from him. Some lay ground rules on whom he should talk and some give lectures on what his priorities should be. Well before I met him, even I thought the same. I thought he should know the difference between his friends, colleagues, his family and me. Not anymore. Now I know every relationship is unique on its own and we have to share our love with all.

Sometimes your heart speaks the right words but your tongue misplaces it with crap. But he always got me right. There were times when I was made fun for misspelling things. Generally there is a cheap mentality among us to make fun of someone so that it will show us elevated. I had been through all that and I had to watch my words when I speak with certain people. But with him I need not and this guy for some reason understood me without even talking.

Now coming to the point where it all started. What should I do to impress him on our first anniversary????? When I come to think of it, I have this feeling which clearly states that I have already impressed this guy long back or otherwise he wouldn’t be such a sweet lover……

Letters that weren't posted

To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart.

Hi friends!! I’m not sure how many of u have the habit of writing letters but I’m proud to say that I’m gifted at it. While talking to someone I either say things that I feel is right at the moment or end up saying nothing because I never had the courage to hurt someone verbally. I’m kind of a person who commits mistakes and then repent about it later. (So does every human being .... I guess so.. J ) But I never felt bad to apologize after realizing my mistake..I was brave enough to accept my mistake and my ego never stopped me from facing the truth. How to express yourself when you are not good at talking?? I kept on asking the question and finally I arrived at the answer. Letters !!! That's how I started writing letters and till today I haven't stopped writing. There are lots of letters that are close to my heart most of which I have never posted.

My first letter was to my dad (the only person who has never let me down for someone else) during my 4th standard. He scolded me for getting second rank in half yearly exam. I wrote a small letter(well, technically it’s not a letter)behind my science text book” I don’t like you dad...you are very bad..."I never showed it to him though and immediately I wrote a letter to my friend who got first rank "you are not my friend at all. You are my enemy". Finally, I found a way to express my anger. I may not utter a word when I fight but if that person is really important to me then they can expect a frank scolding in the form of long letter.

I started writing...

The next interesting letter would be the one i wrote to my sister. Every year when she comes from Russia for vacation, we used to fight with each other for silly reasons. She would like to watch some "hello doctor” program at 8 o'clock. I would fight with her to watch a serial at the same time. Being an elder is an added advantage. They would be always given preference. I abused her and she abused me. Finally she threw the remote and asked me to watch whatever I would like to.I couldn't digest it. I wanted her to fight. So i started scolding her ""if you don’t like me its o.k. you need not talk to me. You just come once in a year and u don’t allow me to stay in this place peacefully. Why the hell did you come from there, why do I have to give up watching programs for you. When she said I can watch whatever I want and cried I felt really bad. Then I wrote her saying that she can watch whatever she wants to. But when I scolded her what I meant was “why do you come just once in a year, where did u go when I needed u the most, why we didn't grow up together to have the same stupid taste for some funny serials, why our ideas and tastes have changed so much, why we were never meant to be together during our teenage life, why every year u come and show some light and then just walk away from me again to be let down in darkness.oh my god..I could have never said those words to you.But i could easily write it.

I started writing more..........

Next letter was the one I wrote to my professor. He wanted an apology letter from all students who copied in his exam.So we all assembled in a lab and started writing flattering letters to him.Everyone used their imagination to prove their sincerity,loyalty,honesty and whatever ty's u can fill up.I was the second one to finish it. I thought I was quick because of the experience I had in writing letters. I found the letter short but crisp enough to convince that i didn't copy much.Don’t ask me about the one who completed first.He had some strong bond with that professor. Today or tomorrow I don't think experience can compete with love.

I started writing more and more...........

I remember the one I wrote to my best friend about why we should have talked, why I was hurt, our egos, why u never shared anything with me, why it’s been always me who have been talking, why u never called up,why I was not important,why everything was just in words,why do u believe that i let your intimate secret out when a manipulative person judged u from your words,why you didn't know the last thing i would do on this world is to let you down for someone else. So many questions and all i had was hope that she would call me.Actually,we called each other at the same time from our mobile phones to each of our home numbers and ended up asking the same question" what took u so long stupid???" But once the fight was over with her i never posted it.May be she would never know at all in the future too,because there was no need for it.Sometimes good friends need not talk,they know that they would there for each other when the time comes and hence this one joined my list of unposted letters

I started writing more,more and more............

To everyone whom i wrote very bad letters...

Most of the letters that i wrote would mostly have things like "i hate u for what u said to me,i don't like u,u mistreated me,i'm not going to come back for u,i will stay strong without you" but what i meant was "i have always loved you,i can never hate someone like you,u treated me as your queen,i will come back for you even if it takes my life,there was never a day that passed without your thoughts"

Believe in words.Believe in people.When u fail to express yourself by your speech,sit and write.Inspire people by your writing.Words can make wonders.so get out of the shell and break your silence for someone you love.

“I have made this letter longer than usual, only because I have not had the time to make it shorter.”

So i started writing more,more,more and more............

To Love... a poem in tamil

un kadhalai sumandhidum en idhyam sollum ayiram kadhaigal ,

en puviyaiyae matrum nee idhamai pesum varthaigal.

un uthatil irundhu uthirindidum kovamana sorkal,

en vazhvai unnaku alithuvita urimai pathirangal.

un ninaivu mattumae en vazhvai needikum mathiraigal,

en suvasam kuda un vasam kondu vazhum sila nodigal.

kalangal kadanthalum kuraiadhu endhan anbu,

kurainthal niraivadaiadhu endhan vazhvu!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi friends..its been a long time since i wrote a poem..

i have just tried it..comments are welcome..i mean... on poetry!!!!

If you all think its good,then i can continue with my mokka poems... and please if its bad do let me know..so that i can try something different too...

thank u all....

Pessimism at its best

“I'm a pessimist because of intelligence, but an optimist because of will”

I don’t have anything to achieve in this world .All I have achieved so far is hate. I have nothing to share because I lost the trust on people. I fear whatever I say would be aired in public. I have nothing to give since I lost all my possessions. I don’t have hope to continue further, to try once more. I want to give up because I couldn't bear the pain. I’m not feeling jealous anymore. I understood that I lost it. I couldn't come back to reality since I lived in dreams for long. I couldn't wait anymore; I’m not impatient but I learned it’s not going to make things better. I feel death is much better than living a cursed life. I lost more than I gained .I realized that everyone used me for their selfish reasons. I was told plenty of lies to believe that I was wrong all the way. I was deprived of sleep when I was considered as third person. I felt exhausted when I didn’t have any more love to give but lots to accept. I learned being honest is no more the trend in this cunning world. I was helpless when I lost my career. I was bankrupt and I didn’t know which way to go. I became directionless when i was financially down. I lost faith in everything because I was cheated beyond imagination. I couldn't believe in words because everything is lies here. I can no more bear the insults you throw at me in the name of love. I realized that I fell in love with the wrong person. I never realized you will leave me so soon. I feel that I have been manipulated by selfish people. I feel suffocated when people hate my presence. I realized people are trying to do a favor by talking to me. I couldn't bear the thought of people pitying me. I have been strong for too long and it’s time to break into pieces.

Everyone in this world would have crossed this state. It’s the state of emptiness; the state of loneliness. At least for five minutes you would have felt this in your life time. Why did I do it? Why didn’t I apologize? Why did I give up so soon? Why I couldn't understand him/her? Why is it so difficult for me alone? Why did he/she lie to me? Why do they dislike me? What is wrong in my opinions? Why am I being ignored? Why did he/she smile when they really hate me? What’s all this conspiracies? Why is it me who should always compromise? Why are people so cunning? Why do they try to separate people? Why did he/she come between us? Why did I love him/her so much? Why I didn’t concentrate on my career? Why did I underestimate the foxes around me? Why didn't my friends call me when i was stuck up with life? So many questions… so many thoughts…..But you will never know the answers. You don’t want to blame anyone. All you want to do is just run away from your problems and get shelter somewhere.

Analysis:

This post is a combination of feelings I gathered from so many people when they were vexed up with life. The people involved in the survey where those who blame themselves for mistakes and not those who try to blame it on others. If we notice the first paragraph it’s completely filled with the word “LOST”.A person who is depressed tend to feel that he/she has lost everything in life. It may be a period of five minutes but it would be the most devastating time of your life. Generally the post is about people who had a break up in love, family and career. It’s very easy to cross this five minutes but it will definitely leave a mark in your life. “Everyone make their own mistakes and so do I”. Just believe in that and I think it would be easy to cross all hurdles in life. Smartness isn’t about covering up your mistakes but it’s about learning from your mistakes. It’s good to know a bit of pessimism too so that we can tackle it.In fact a pessimist will never get disappointed.So here we go... We can be a bit of pessimist too but never prolong it. Have FUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNN......

To Forgive a Friend.............

To forgive a friend....

I always thought we'd look back on our tears and laugh, but I never thought we'd look back on our laughter and cry.

I always wonder how some people make lot of friends.Being an introvert i make very few friends and stay close to them.

(In TAMIL: oorla pathu pathananji friend vechirukavan ellam sandosama irukan,orey friend vechukitu nan padra padu irukae nu neraya peru solradhu en kadhula vizhudhu)

The chemistry in any relationship lies in love whether its ur friend,ur girl/boy friend,ur family or whoever it is.Any relationship ,just name it.

Love someone truly and believe me they would never walk away,bcoz they cannot.

Have you ever realised as years goes by u will not be making best friends but just Hi-Bye friends and people whom u call your best would be someone from childhood or college but not someone from your present.The reasons why were aren't making best friends at present or after being a grown up is discussed here.Not just to read & forget but to correct ourselves.

(1) I remember fighting with my best friend while i was studying 3rd standard.While everyone where singing some prayer song,me and my friend were rolling on the floor fighting each other.

Ofcourse,after an hr we were kneeling down on the corridor.The thing is i don't remember the reason why i fought with her,just the way i fought with her.Recently,when i had a fight with my friend,i remember the reason i fought for,the mistake that was made and nothing else.Well,that makes the difference.

Remember the fight not the reason,because after some years,reasons would become silly but u would have already lost ur friendship.So when ur friend isn't normal with you and if u feel the distance is growing everyday,don't hesitate to talk.Just make a call and ask what happened??? These two words really matters when the person is expecting it!!!!!

(2) The main thing after the fight is who should talk first.As far as i remember when i had fight with my school friends,the time i took to open up a conversation/fight again was just 20 minutes or at the max an hr.Nowadays,it takes some days to talk to each other.According to me, the deciding factor is love here.If you like someone truly,the time you take to apologise will be really less.In this case,love is inversely proportional to time. Another main reason that we don't take an initiative is because we all have become balloons filled with EGO.

y should i talk first??? I don't need you at all in my life!!!Sorry dear,ur presence is unwanted here!!!I'm busy now,can i ignore you for some more time.( you would have heard things like this..am i right???? )

Hence,the second main thing is Give up your ego and be the first to apologise.Losing ur self respect for a friend is nothing compared to losing a friend.While earning money,we don't see self respect.We fall at someone's feet just for a materialistic thing.If an apology can win back your love y not try it????? Rather than sitting and thinking about the good times u had,u can try and have more good times in the future.

(3) The next thing in forgiving a friend lies in acceptance.No one starts a day thinking that i have to hurt my friend today.we are all human beings who commit mistakes and repent about it later.So,its fine to make mistakes but its bad not to accept a friend after an apology.Your friend has got complete rights to hurt you because the person whom you have let to hurt you will be the one you are in love with.Hence,forgiveness starts with acceptance.

Accept a friend when they ask for forgiveness.Don't behave as if you are Queen elizabeth/Tata birla.The truth is even they know to value relationships.

CAUTION IN THE AIR:

As i said,to err is human. so watch out for wrong people too.There would be some who would never even care about your existence.Leave being their priority ,you wouldn't even be considered as an option.Don't just waste your time and energy thinking about them,when you don't exist for them.

But keep this is a last option in all ur relationships.If u have endured more pain than happiness and if u have lost more than have gained out of that relationship,then its better to save your pride rather than the relationship.But let it be the last option.

You needn't gain anything from a relationship but love and care returned has more value than un reciprocated ones.So decide yourself whether to save ur pride or relationship but let the preference lie in building up rather than breaking up.

All the best for all good relationships out there...Sometimes good relationships doesn't need apologies but if an apology can rebuild things just don't think about anything.Go... GO... GO..... make a call and be happy...

The day i met him !!!!!

Three years back... june 30th 2007,saturday....

It was a rainy day ,no wonder the roads were filled with water and people were driving with sour faces...well.. except me.....

Rain always made me happy and getting muddy never spoiled my mood...

i was driving my scooty pep fast to reach the public library at egmore before 5 and when i reached there i was completely wet....

after drying my clothes in the corridor fan i started to walk to the lift

I generally avoid using the lift but that day i didnt want to walk all the way up to second floor...

when i reached the lift to press the button ,a guy rushed to the spot and pressed it in a hurry...

i just turned and gave a sharp look at him...he was tall,well built,dusky and was carrying some heavy books in his hand

what the hell???? y did i look at him like that???? was the question that was driving me mad for some seconds...

the way he projected himself to have been sorry for annoying me was the reason i fell for him initially...

untill that second i never had belief in love at first sight (truly speaking i didnt have belief in love itself)

he mumbled,"I'm sorry!!!! i was in a hurry so only ..couldnt avoid it...u know closing tyme at 6... sorry again"

oh!!! thats ok... it happens..

the lift door opened and i got the sudden urge to run away from him...i stopped for a moment thinking whether to use the stairs..

"have u decided between lift and stairs??? "

i was shocked !!!!!

"I ... yeah.. nooo.. actually yes... i'm coming in lift "...(God this guy can read my mind!!!)

he said "It's a nice weather outside and it seems like u r in love wid rain...."

yeah.. i'm crazy about it... ( Let me keep the discussion short...)

he smiled and left the lift and i was standing there for some time wondering why did i come to library today...

the lift door was closing and so i had to move out... i reached the tamil literature session searching for " vengayin maindhan " by akilan...

Luckily i got the book so soon and i was moving around to see if there is any intersting novels around... actually i saw the guy in the same section thrice...

well the books werent interesting anymore and it was 5.50 so i moved to the counter to get the book checked out...

he was standing beside me,surprsingly he didnt have any books in his hands now... all he had was a disappointed face..

i couldnt hold anymore,i turned and asked "aren't you taking any books?"

"how could i,if all i want is wid you!!!"

what?????(does he think like me toooo ??? )

"I mean i was looking for the same book u are holding right now in your hand"

I breathed a little... " oh !!! were u looking for this.... do u need it??"

"If you dont mind ,yes it would be helpful"

I laughed to myself and said "I have read it twice so u can have it"

he smiled back ..." i have read it twice too,but i got the feeling to read it again today"

"hmmm... if u need it that badly u can have it,but instead of returning it in the counter return to me next saturday"

"Thanks a lot... can u come on monday,same time"

I can .. but y???

"I can see that u are also eager to read the book... i will complete the book by tomorrow if u can come on monday...."

" yeah that would be better..okay"

I gave the book to him and after he signed the form we reached the parking place together.. he was taking small steps and i was trying to rush to the spot..

I could see that he wanted to speak something but he didnt and i didnt want to start a conversation..

we reached the parking lot and i started my bike.. when i was about to start my bike...

he said " by the way i'm elango... may i know ur name"

I never thought he would be the one who would walk beside me throughout my life....

As u live it !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Life lessons

(1) Sometimes people may not offer explanation for their action,but do believe that they have a reason for it...

(2) When u r in anger write a letter scolding the person and post it,but forget to mention the TO address...

(3) If someone says you to forget past,kick them... there are things from past that will help you live a better present...

(4) Letting go does make you stronger to let go of people often...

(5) Whenever you feel like u r on the edge of something..just fall.. dont think too much about it...

(6) Think several tymes before making a decision,but don't step back from your decision..

(7) Fall in love often..again and again... every minute and every second ... with the same person....

(8) Remember to make mistakes because they are the only way of growing up....

(9) Don't try to understand things that u can't really understand...

(10) Trusting everyone is complete madness... but don't lose the trust u have already placed..

(11) Situations may show a person in wrong shadow....never get lost in the path of darkness..

(12) Stand up for what u truly believe in... Giving up in the middle means u haven't got enough faith..

(13) This is a short life..don't live on some ones opinions... make most of it by living independently... u should be the ruler of your mind...

these are the lessons that life is teaching me in a very short span... i learned it and i'm sharing it... and if u people have learned anything different do let me know :) :)